SSS - Edwin Rosen
Two months and some change-- nice to see you once again. I've been sleeping at 5AM almost everyday. Today's a rarity, though. I slept at 8PM and woke up at 5AM. Not because I've been wanting to make healthy changes to my life or anything. I was just feeling really down early into the evening last night and said "fuck it" and called it for the night. It feels good to rest.
I decided (because I have to leave the house around 7AM) to get some writing done. So here we are. When I pulled up this blog, because it was quite dark in my room, I was suddenly flashbanged by the bright cream-ish color of my blogpage. Dear god I must have lost a couple weeks worth of healthy vision by that alone. I'll work on a more dark-room-friendly color palette for this blog; for my sanity and yours (on the off-chance that whoever is reading this is not me).
So what's new? I kind of stopped going to therapy. I could technically always schedule a new appointment, but... I also kind of no call no showed to the last three appointments because I was feeling extra down and now I feel bad showing my face there again. It was going really well, too. I might need to schedule another appointment. But as it is now, I haven't been in over a month. Fuuuck. I've been meaning to tell her about my Swiss pen-pal and some cool things that have been developing in my life recently, but now I don't really have an outlet for that except this. So let's begin a mini therapist session.
Since January, a small club in DC has been hosting open-deck sessions from 9PM-2AM every Monday. I've been going and have been having an incredible blast. Not only have I had the opportunity to perform live again several times, but I've played in two gigs now which I'd consider to be quite fun and netted a little bit of money! Not that I want to play for money (there is just no way this is a sustainable career), but it's nice that people what to hear me mix songs and pay me for it. I've had incredible highs and crushing lows. One low point I wanna mention is at this one gig-- the vibes were so off and I obviously wasn't connecting to the audience like I usually do. The venue is a bit far from where I'm used to playing, so I should have sussed out that the people there might not like the same music I usually play in the small DC club. So the vibes were off. My old manager comes up to me and says I sound like shit, that he would do better than me, etc.... the most damning thing he says is that I should play COUNTRY. Motherfucker. I'm not playing country. I got paid a fat stack though, which is why I'm not as sad as you may think. But it does suck that someone felt comfortable saying that straight to my face. To be fair, his wife paid him to marry him, he does lots of coke, and no one loves him. So fuck him.
I was on Spotify earlier this morning and stumbled onto this playlist my Swiss pen pal made for me a couple years ago. There's a lot to say about this playlist that I won't get into, but let's just say it's significant in several ways. Well anyway, Spotify added this thing where you can send people music in DMs now. One of the things you can do is if you're in a playlist someone sent you, you can tap this little button at the bottom and you can view the history of music you've sent each other. Oh brother. This link led me to our music-sending history from the past 3 years (I'm assuming there's more beyond the last three years but Spotify didn't begin collecting this data until around 3 years ago). It had this playlist plus a bunch of other songs I don't remember sending or receiving. One of the songs she sent me was "SSS" by Edwin Rosen on June 2nd, 2023, just a couple of months before she disappeared. The first couple of lines are,
"When I tell you / I'm not sleeping alone today / Don't you care? / And when you know / That I won't come over today / Tell me, don't you care?"
Knowing that she loved to speak to me in lyrics rather than her own direct words from time to time, all I have to say to that is... fuck you. I miss you.
I responded with "George" by Lowertown.